When Secret Santa Turns Sour Instead of Festive
Secret Santa is supposed to be one of those harmless, end-of-year traditions that brings a bit of laughter into the workplace. The idea sounds simple enough: anonymous gifts, small budgets, and a shared moment of festive cheer. But as many people have discovered, when it goes wrong, it can go very wrong—and the emotional impact can last far longer than the Christmas season itself.
One of the most painful stories comes from Susanna Beves, who was a young teacher working at an international school in Germany at the time. In a room filled with around 60 colleagues, she opened what looked like an innocent gift: a solitaire game. On any other day, it might have been fine. But attached to it was a note explaining that the game had been chosen because she was single, lonely, and likely to remain that way. The note was read in silence, while the person who wrote it sat somewhere in the same room. It was described as devastating. All she wanted to do was cry, yet she was forced to sit through the rest of the exchange, knowing someone nearby had deliberately tried to humiliate her.
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Experts say truly malicious gifts like this are rare, but poorly judged “joke” gifts are surprisingly common. Gifts meant to get laughs—such as soap, deodorant, or other items that hint at personal flaws—are often received very differently by the person opening them. While laughter may be forced in public, humiliation is frequently felt in private. In some cases, formal workplace complaints have even been filed after Secret Santa exchanges.
Tony O’Brien experienced something similar early in his career. After sharing the heartbreaking story of having to put down a beloved dog that had unexpectedly become dangerous, he was later handed six tins of dog food, puppy training pads, and inflatable dogs during a Secret Santa exchange. The gift was framed as a joke, but it landed as cruelty. He pretended to laugh along, but inside, he was horrified. That single moment was said to have changed how much of his personal life he ever shared at work again.
Not all disastrous gifts are rooted in malice. Sometimes timing alone turns an innocent idea into a painful reminder, like when someone received couples’ mugs shortly after a breakup. And in other cases, the moment becomes awkwardly funny, such as when a child accidentally opened edible lingerie at a work party. But even humor doesn’t erase the risk.
HR professionals warn that Secret Santa can easily cross lines into harassment, especially when sexual or deeply personal gifts are involved. In some workplaces, the tradition has been banned altogether after repeated incidents. Others now require names to be attached to gifts or allow wishlists to reduce risk.
What these stories make clear is that while Secret Santa may be intended as lighthearted fun, it can also expose vulnerabilities, reopen wounds, and damage trust. For some, the memory lingers for decades, turning what should have been a festive moment into something they wish had never happened at all.
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